déjà écrit: nine

i'm afraid i have lost all feeling long ago
all that i love is falling beyond what i can control
fond memories i have stitched onto my throbbing skin
only to be covered up again and again
the sun raises me up so the moon can lull me to sleep
uncontrollable patterns i unexpectedly keep
i am trying to find happiness and it rips me apart
walking through darkness to end up back at the start
why can't i understand what keeps you afloat
finding a different route to what we both devote
i will go walking again in a brand new direction
fumbling because i'm blind for my own conviction
i am truly alone and that's fine with me
i have come to terms with what everyone sees
a failure, a no one, a terrible waste of breath
but i'm afraid i cannot sink, there is no regret
the only feeling i long for is all that i can take
aged with all my mistakes but still i am awake
to fake the smiles, speak my lies, hold myself together
to secretly but sincerely miss the hell out of you

to miss the hell out of you,
the hell out of you.
it rings in my head..
i miss the hell out of you.

déjà écrit: neon wings

his little eyes so full of life, searching far & wide
spreading his little neon wings eager to soar into the sky
but staring at the drop below, the little bird chirped up and cried,
"oh mother, i feel so helpless & weak each and every night
like you at every break of dawn, how i long to fly
i wish to see the beauties that lie past my meager sight
this nest is but a burden and mother i can see the light
to breathe new air & touch the clouds & find a life for me
to glide past the trees of this forest straight over the sea
my mind it wanders past my grasp into realms i cannot be
all the things i need to touch, the things that i must see
i will count the stars every night till they fill up in my mind
fly as fast as i possibly can to leave the other birds behind
oh mother, my intentions are as true as the colours of your wings
to turn my heart into pure gold with whatever this life brings
my name echoes from far away and how it beckons me so strong
i have known this feeling all along, i know where i belong."

déjà écrit: closer unknown pleasures

better, better, better, better
waves like thunder and we're together
bent on the constant need to destroy
holding it all in simple utter joy
spread out so neatly like strawberry jam
down in the basement like cowards we ran
the fire is spreading so fast in the hallway
locked with your eyes how they elegantly sway
this is the way you captured my heart
knocking my emotions since the very start
counter melody just for my own elation
no sudden movements just bittersweet sensation
fire, fire, fire, fire all around
it's your call baby doll, but here comes the ground

déjà écrit: oh those silly shadows

our failures cut us deep down all over
stuck in the elevator so call the operator
my favorite shirt is drenched in red
poured from my eyes the blood i have shed
hello good sir can you help a poor fellow in need
dropping like mountains with such great speed
thirteen, nine, six, five, two
make it stop is all i ask of you
i like to think of myself as not too obsolete
holding my own ground too proud for defeat
ticking life away in the blink of an eye
but why so low when you can make it that high
playing with my shadows until the lights retreat
so calm and serene oh so full of deceit
one, zero, down and down and down i go
hey, i'm dead now. just so you know

déjà écrit: dumb

these bits of what we hold so close
force it down in a single dose
sit still and it will come
lock arms cause we're that dumb
easy come and easy go
really nothing down below
cross my heart and hope to die
rely on faith so we don't have to try
follow your heart and you will find
inanimate objects while you were blind
so useless, i was never inclined
until you helped me find my mind

déjà écrit: the ever so persistant light that pushes through the cracks

and when the sun went south, the lights bled in from out of sight
i held my breath so hopeful i could see my lungs ignite
so my eyes could illuminate this night with colours true as you
with all this i will find my niche, with all this i've imbued

countless times with this alone, i let it run free in and out
it filled me to the brim with shame, it filled me up with doubt
i felt so weak in this little shell my mother gave to me
so arduous and so constrained that only i could set it free

the ins and outs of my regrets have made me a stronger man
or a boy with hope strapped to his heart, a kid with a master plan
i've stopped timing my every single move scared of what was coming next
like my older friend with his safe sex, like you ever so perplexed

i sit here hoping you're still there, thinking the world of me
missing every single time we sat together knee to knee
my hands can only hold on to the things that i despise
wishing i could let myself go and rise up to the skies

déjà écrit: this is your life and it's ending one minute at a time

this is all i am, time set aside for a later time
when the path is free from all that's turned you on
forcing the memories of you out of my mind
the far away view beckons me forth, so come on come on

i blow in the wind like your ugly hair in the fall
letting my mind relapse as i take in this new belief
holding my breath as i fall, as i hear them call
into the arms of those i name my new found relief

i am a golden leaf that stands out amongst the rest
the one too strong to fall, too beautiful to pick
well, you did pick me and let me float to the west
into the arms of the beautiful pacific

down i will go, into the depths of the sea
a tiny golden sparkle lost in the beauty of blue
no heavy hearts as you cut down that old fucking tree
dissolving into nothing so i can start anew

hey god, i've been looking and there's no sight of you
i look up to only see the blue and the white
the sun and the moon are the only things i find i true
but it is okay, i truly believe i have seen the light

these eyes are weary for the times yet to come
all skin and bones but the weight i will control
for the hideous monster i will eventually become
i feel uneasy for the results of this heavy toll

"but i have promises to keep,
and miles to go before i sleep,
and miles to go before i sleep..

but i have promises to keep,
and miles to go before i sleep,
and miles to go before i sleep."

déjà écrit: good morning sunshine

cast your light on me alone
shine on me and make me known
illuminate my every bone
sit back to watch this soul atone

cast your light baby don't be shy
you never know if you never try
focus here and watch me die
no big deal for a quick good bye

cast your light and say a prayer
for this small ill advised affair
close your eyes you were never there
nothing here but simple air

my eyes are tuned to black and white
do your worst to make things right
i have endured enough of the night
so cast your light to my delight

to my delight
my delight
good morning sunshine
you're no longer mine

déjà écrit: top of the world

we can fill in all the gaping holes
let loose the grip that holds us close
turn away from all bad things
conjure up what we want to see

i am free and all alone
to find my way to this now known
as everything i've wanted from the start
my vision is set as clear as can be

a majestic sight for all to see!
with all my friends and friends to be
past lovers along with future lies
settling into my watery eyes

this may melt my skin and break my bones
a small consequence of my spontaneity
and as i struggle to keep my head afloat
my body will go limp.. down i will go

down to the depths of my deepest desires
you naked and bare and arms so wide open
all my questions answered in a form of a book
a stairway to heaven, yes! my own little heaven

no ticks and tocks for i move the hands of time
the pool of blood is just a reminder of the past
this aching body tells of a work well done
stretches of silence to enjoy the sound of your breath

the leaves they turn red when i happen to cry
the leaves they fall when i finally die
trees so vast and plenty so i can blend in
just one tiny axe so all my chances agree

i am nobody even though you are somebody
somebody to love with everything to hate
you are a wall i realize i can never climb
i bask in the shade you unwillingly cast

through times like these i hope you jump right in
although the empty look in your eyes keeps me away
it can only get better, says the smile on your face
the end is near, so sprint straight on ahead

thisisit

i flipped through the pages
and found some parts i liked
i went for a quiet walk
and found a route just for me
i was strumming my guitar
and agreed with a few chords
i looked out the window
and the night sky was so lovely
i looked into the future
and found myself so at peace
i look into my mind now
and find an emptiness i can't ignore
so i will swallow my fears
wipe the sweat off my forehead
dig deep into palms of my hands
jump as far as i can
land on the other side
examine my surroundings
and finally find myself a home
where i can just be myself
let out what i have been holding in
and die with a smile in my head

you are the sunset, i paint myself out

you were once a plain white canvas
i was hesitant to make a mark
did you remind me of a beautiful sunset
or the lonely moon surrounded by dark

i spent countless hours with you alone
painstakingly sketching out every detail
vibrant colors brought out your eyes
and the tone of your skin so innocent and pale

when i was at my low with no end in sight
you did not change and stayed the same in my eyes
the things i abhor, the list that i write
to your faded eyes, those were just lies

so i sketched out a rough sunset over the sea
it was the most honest scene i could ever create
you could be floating with the waves, hiding in the dark
dreaming with the sun, where you would radiate

the true meaning laid down beneath what i like to pretend

i just keep rolling out potentials
in hopes of finding a meaning
but every single one of them find somewhere else to go
there are times when i remember
along with moments i can't see
but i make a mark on the walls so i will not forget
my friends keep me floating
but i'm afraid they don't understand
that i will leave them at sunrise, never to come back
i will shed my skin and lose my voice
turn black and white as i relapse
but you are smiling so wide
and i am just glad that you're happy
i have a roll of film in my pocket
filled with memories i'd like to create
take you into the darkroom
and watch our dreams fill with color
so go to sleep and live your life
you will find someone to truly make you smile
to take you on all kinds of adventures
write lovelier poems than what i can muster up
because you truly deserve that
and i am right most of the time

someday i will find and realize

it's all over now, i know it to be true
can i go off to the corner of my bed?
i would like to rest my head

no, it hasn't really just begun
can't you see the bruises on my hands?
i would like to close my eyes

i am happy, so very much happy
so good day, good night, good life
i am not sad, i could care less
so hello, good bye, so long

i won't take the elevator
and i will take the stairs
i won't fall down

i will walk to my destination
holding myself back all the way
i won't look the wrong way

i have a feeling that i won't die alone
i will fall in love one day
to a girl i do not know yet
who i will find
i will fall in love one day
to a girl i already know
but not yet realized

but for now i will rest my weary body
eighteen years down, eighteen more to go
i have time, plenty of time

jEZUS cHRYSTUS

jesus christ, save my soul
i will reach and try to feel
holy bible, teach me more
let me know that this is real

oh satan, leave me alone
can't you see that i am weak
i am scared that you will break me
before i reach the highest peak

the birds are dead and they decay
i will collect the wings and fly away
up and up until i hit the sun
into the arms of the lovely nun

i will drink my gin and lay awake
spit it out like all my mistakes
confess my sins and receive my bread
instead of gin, drink the wine instead

the nile

so i was floating through the nile
my eyes bright all the while
wishing to stay put forever
pushing my way through whatever

burning in the yellow
freezing but still mellow
counting time by the mile
just going forth in the nile

003

the dust collects on this empty space
where i used to sit and talk with you
shaded by the comfort that no longer radiates
and i was so eager to get high with you

i can still see you now
biting at your fingers
dipping your feet in the waters
stretching towards the sky
breathing in and out

adjust yourself because you are alone
chasing the light that calls your name
i am right there but then again
i was right here but look again,
i'm not

do you still feel the same things
do these things elicit those same feelings
i wish i knew, but i can just assume
i wish for the best, but i assume the worst

i don't deserve this, can't you see?
just cut the ropes and you will be
right there where you were first reborn
next to me before we ever met
i won't remember you
i swear to god
i will walk away
i swear to fucking god

002

i woke up this one morning
to a green cloud on the floor
and just the very next morning
it was plastered to my door

i felt so real inside my bubble
and my skinny, pale body had no stains
but i wanted more, i wanted trouble
to melt with the sun, fall with the rain

my head is a radio. circa 1985
but my papers read six years later
i am full of numbers but i have yet to arrive
just waiting for the greater creator

you see, my view is narrow and not too bright
you're not a person, you're just another face
see you during the day but won't keep me up at night
we are nothing more than wasted space

i am floating through my mind
and oh how i wish you could see them too
but you just stand there, stupid and blind
so i sit and sing to myself
because i'll never get to you